Happy 2013, everyone! It’s the second day of the new year, I trust most if not all had a terrific and fulfilling Holiday Season and hope that you don’t have as much of a holiday hangover anymore.
Don’t adjust your monitors… it IS me – no ghost writers here. No, I wasn’t abducted by a Canadian yeti; no, our internet connection wasn’t cut off; yes, I still own a computer; yes, I still know that I have a blog to update (most days anyway).
If you can see my drafts section, there are a number of well-intentioned blogposts started, with poorly executed endings. Not keeping up with the blog aside, I have really enjoyed my new routine. I don’t miss the long commute to work, specially now with the winter weather. I had a bit of a turn since incorporating my photography business. I’ve been busy, which is good – October was packed for a start-up like mine.
Since I’ve last updated you, I was able to spend an extended amount of time with my sister and niece when they flew up in the summer from Texas.
I turned forty with a great dinner party thrown by my husband!
I have been able to hang out with friends and go to concert festivals.
I enjoyed a few days away in beautiful Bruce Peninsula with my husband, with some books, music and each other’s company.
And most importantly, I have been granted an invaluable gift . . .
I had stopped all treatment after the third miscarriage. We had decided and had started looking into adoption. I let go of counting days, tracking temperatures, and vowed to just enjoy the summer and my new business. I ran with abandon almost everyday, literally and figuratively.
And then there I was, finding myself pregnant in August.
It hasn’t been all easy. The paranoia, the anxiety, the guilt.
We went to see our fertility doctor for an early assessment, and found out we had a fetal pole at 7 weeks. I will never forget how long I held my breath until my doctor’s face lit up and said “We have a heartbeat present for your little one”. I just started sobbing in relief. We had to come back three weeks later for a follow-up and I’m sure you can imagine it being the longest three weeks of my life. We tried to put it in the back of our minds – as it was so early in the game. We’ve been here before – positive result until 7-9 weeks and then it was all for naught. I hated holding on to the present heart beat aspect this time… we have never heard that before.
We went back in after the long wait and the vibrations of our little bean’s heart were visible all over the screen. I tear up with happy tears whilst reliving that moment now. The hope was more palpable that time than it has ever been. 10 weeks with a heart beat was such a stunning phenomenon for us. And so I was able to breathe a little easier. We were released as patients from the fertility clinic and had been referred to a regular OB-Gyn who had been trained by my wonderful fertility doctor. But the paranoia didn’t subside.
You know what else didn’t? The guilt. As a divorced Catholic, that guilt never leaves… The guilt of leaving a lot of women still in the trenches of loss and despair. I think of you women all the time and I will never forget the support you all had given me. I had to contact Courtney early on who was already a few months ahead of me and had come out of hiding her own pregnancy. She completely understood the previous trauma and grief and now the confusing exhilaration, paranoia and guilt. She tried to ease my fears and understood where it was coming from but also reminded me that I should allow myself to enjoy what great news this was and to immerse myself in what milestones we achieve on a daily basis.
So I went ahead, hour to hour, day to day until we’ve reached milestone after another. IPS screenings passed, no amniocentesis required (a h u g e relief), doppler readings of 147, 150 and 145 bpm. The biggest milestone that I will never forget was the first time I felt my little bean move inside of me: November 10, 2012 at 8.45 PM at about 19-20 weeks of pregnancy. I startled myself and screamed/told my husband what was happening and we started to just laugh and sob at the same time. I can still see what was happening like I’m watching it occur on tv. Since then, movements have been constant and amplified in amount and strength. Every little jab and somersault in my stomach comforts me like a fuzzy blanket. My child is present and strong. I vowed never to take anything for granted and I seem to be doing a great job imprinting everything to memory (and journalling). I have never felt so alive, blissfully happy and extremely grateful. I remember Kevin once telling me a few months ago “I know we have been happy together in spite of our challenges… but don’t you agree that this great time has just brought us closer and happier a thousand-fold?” I couldn’t agree with him more. I have this inner peace that I never had before. I am so happy that it brings tears to my eyes because I didn’t think it would be possible – any of it… my great marriage, my new career, and my now expanding family.
Susannah Conway’s 2013 Unravelling Workbook couldn’t have come at a better time. Looking back at my workbook last year, it almost seems unnerving how my 2012 word OPEN had aligned my experiences whether conspicuously conscious or not. The last seven months have been nothing short of awe-inspiring. I am fully aware that it will not be all rosy from here on in. I will still be the same foul-mouthed, short tempered, fire cracker that I’ve always been. I will still make mistakes, if not more. But I have this workbook to help guide and steer me back to the path that I want to forge for the year ahead. . . always remembering to do it with gentleness and hopefully, newly-acquired patience as a woman, a wife and soon-to-be mother to my long-awaited child.
Thank you for teaching me so many things whether they were welcomed with open arms or met with resistance – those challenges have OPENed me up to a world of good and reckoning. My new great highs wouldn’t have been so much more appreciated and gladly received if it wasn’t for the deep and darkest lows that came prior.
I remain OPEN in discovery and am ever so grateful and happy to be rewarded.
To my dearly beloved daughter, your dad and I cannot wait to meet you in a few months. With the two of you in my life, I am the most F O R T U N A T E.